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130 ways to annoy a non-Harry-Potter fan
1. Relate everything they say to the Harry Potter books and/or movies.
2. Say they look like a Harry Potter character of the opposite gender.
3. Quote Dobby.
4. Hog the computer 24/7 while logged onto MuggleNet.
5. Read out loud to them whenever they can’t get away from you (Example: When in a car or an elevator). If you don’t have a book with you, recite from memory.
6. Give them Harry Potter merchandise for their birthday and Christmas and demand that they keep it and treasure it forever.
7. Rewrite their favorite song with Harry Potter lyrics and sing it constantly.
8. Crowd their inbox with Harry Potter related e-mail and make sure the subjects are misleading.
9. Start singing a Sorting Hat song at random moments, pretend to forget what comes next, and ask if they know in a very loud voice.
10. Make them play Quidditch with you.
11. Give all of their friends Harry Potter related nicknames and act mortally offended when they don’t know the history of their character.
12. Change your name to that of a Harry Potter character and start screaming when they don’t address you as such in public.
13. Always speak with a British accent - especially if you aren’t from the UK.
14. Refer to real places by Harry Potter names.
15. …throw a fit if others don’t use these names.
16. Draw round glasses and lightning bolt scars on every poster and picture you come across…in permanent marker.
17. Give long lectures about how the prophecy relates to every day life.
18. Give every room in your house a Harry Potter codename. (Example: The living room becomes the Entrance Hall) and whenever someone asks you where something is, use these names.
19. Change them immediately if they figure out what the names refer to.
20. Constantly ask if they can see the thestrals too.
21. …refuse to explain what a thestral is.
22. Say, “Anything off the trolley, dear?” in a fake British accent when offering anyone food.
23. Pretend you can do magic.
24. Constantly rearrange their furniture and blame it on indecisive house-elves.
25. Yell “Get away from me, Death Eater!” whenever they get near you.
26. Constantly compare them to Mrs. Figg.
27. …laugh evilly if they ask who Mrs. Figg is.
28. Complain loudly about how your pictures don’t move.
29. Whenever you’re asked for advice, reply with “Three turns should do it” in a very serious voice.
30. Break any awkward silences by saying, “How ‘bout them Chudley Cannons?”
31. Tell a very long joke using a random Harry Potter quote as the punchline and then laugh hysterically.
32. …make sure the joke isn’t funny.
33. Use the titles “You-Know-Who” and “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named” to refer to random people.
34. … make sure no one knows who you’re talking about.
35. Write letters to people (friends, neighbors…politicians) and ask them to join S.P.E.W.
36. …hand fliers advertising it to a random passerby.
37. Report Dumbledore’s death to your local authorities.
38. Call them repeatedly asking if Percy Weasley is there and hang up before they can reply.
39. Pop up in place you’re not supposed to be and insist that you were only trying to Apparate.
40. If you’re late for something, blame it on your broken Time Turner.
41. Deck yourself out in all of your Harry Potter gear when you know you’ll be going to a public place.
42. Walk past a wall over and over again, stopping randomly to bang on. When you receive weird stares, shout, “What?! I’m looking for the Room of Requirement!”
43. Every time you see them, demand an explanation of why exactly they don’t like Harry Potter.
44. If anyone tells you you’ll go to hell for reading Harry Potter, either: a) jump and down and tell them that you can’t wait; b) tell them you’ll meet them there; c) sing “Weasley Is Our King” over and over again; or d) ask them to back up this claim with evidence, and laugh at them when they can’t.
45. Play the soundtracks while they’re stuck in your car.
46. …add commentary. (Oh, this is where they…)
47. When one of the movies is on TV, call to remind them.
48. …every five minutes.
49. If they ask for your phone number, tell them it’s 6-2-4-4-2.
50. Say “Alohomora!” everytime you open a door.
51. Sort every person you meet into one of the four Houses.
52. Follow them around while acting out a scene from the book doing very annoying voices for all the characters. Expect them to join in, and act offended when they don’t.
53. Count down to some obscure Harry Potter event, whether it’s Dumbledore’s birthday, or when a Harry Potter DVD comes out. Keep saying: “87 (86, 85, etc.) more days!” in the middle of every conversation you have with your friend. Smile in a superior way when they ask what you’re counting down to.
54. Start talking about a deceased Harry Potter character and suddenly burst into hysterical tears.
55. Refuse to be comforted.
56. Ask them to help you study for your O.W.L’s and N.E.W.T’s.
57. Knit them hats and insist that you’re just trying to liberate them.
58. Talk to animals and insist that they’re Animagi.
59. Treat them to lunch and then suddenly realize you can’t pay for the meal since the restaurant doesn’t accept Galleons, Sickles, or Knuts.
60. Run up to random men with long, dark hair and scream, “SIRIUS! I always knew you were alive!”
61. Point at modern electronic devices and loudly say, “Look at that! The things these Muggles come up with…”
62. Write letters to the editor of your local newspaper about the evils of our society (Namely, Death Eaters and discrimination against friendly werewolves).
63. Send them numerous letters informing them that they have been selected to attend Hogwarts.
64. Carry around a shiny rock and proclaim that you possess the Sorcerer’s Stone.
65. Say everything in a sing-song voice like Luna Lovegood.
66. End every converastion and/or letter with “Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!”
67. …refuse to provide an explanation.
68. Tap all brick walls you encounter with an umbrella.
69. Say “Lumos” when turning on a light.
70. Point and grunt and insist that you’re speaking Troll.
71. Refuse to wash your hair and explain that you’re going for the Snape look.
72. Spend hours at a time trying to get your broom to fly.
73. Invite them over for the night and force them to watch the first three movies with you.
74. If they leave for any reason, restart the movie and tell them it’s the Time Turner scene.
75. Shriek loudly and insist that you’re speaking Mermish.
76. If you’re asked to retrieve something, shout “Accio!” loudly.
77. …when this doesn’t work, throw a fit.
78. Demand to know what exactly the function of a rubber duck is.
79. Talk like Hagrid.
80. Point to garden gnomes and say, “Silly Muggles don’t have a clue about what gnomes look like!” in a very loud voice.
81. Take them to a CD store and make them help you look for the newest Weird Sisters album.
82. Yell “Avada Kedavra” anytime they give the anti-HP lecture, then fake excruciating pain as your soul rips in two.
83. Write “Enemies of the Heir, BEWARE!” in red paint on their wall.
84. When confronted about the message, refuse to take responsibility and/or explain it further.
85. Hum Hedwig’s Theme constantly and be sure to include any crescendos, decrescendos, accents, etc.
86. Petition to have Hedwig’s Theme become the new National Anthem.
87. Wear all black and explain that you’re in mourning over the death of “The Only One He Ever Feared.”
88. …when asked for an explanation of this cryptic title, cry hysterically.
89. Replace their entire movie collection with the Harry Potter films.
90. If they ask you about the weather, solemnly say, “Mars is bright tonight.”
91. Print this out and use it as a checklist.
92. Insist that they subscribe for your new Harry Potter newsletter and when they say no, act like you’ve been seriously offended.
93. Potter Puppet Pals, anyone?
94. Knit them a maroon jumper every year - especially if maroon isn’t their color.
95. When taking the stairs with them, stop and insist that you have to wait because the staircases are moving.
96. If someone turns off the lights, make a loud cracking sound and pretend to Apparate to the other side of the room.
97. Carry around a hip flask and refuse to drink anything anyone offers you.
98. Toss a small handful of sand and yell out, “Diagon Alley!”
99. If you go to a train station with them, loudly ask random people if they know where you can find Platform 9 3/4. Do this in an extremely fake British accent.
100. When your friend is checking sports scores, ask them if they can find out the score of the latest Quidditch match.
101. If they refuse, complain (loudly) that you missed the semi-final match between the Chudley Cannons and the Wimbourne Wasps and you need to know who will be advancing to the finals against the Tutshill Tornadoes.
102. At your next sleepover, draw a lightning-bolt scar on your forehead, and just as your friend is drifting off to sleep, grab your forehead and start screaming that you dreamed Voldemort killed your parents.
103. Fill a bowl with water and tie some tinsel to the end of your wand. Move the wand-tip from your temple to the bowl and pretend you’re transferring your thoughts to a Pensieve, and ask not to be disturbed.
104. When at a train station with them, repeatedly throw yourself against the wall between Platforms 9 and 10. If someone asks if you need help, state in a panicked voice that you’re going to miss the Hogwarts Express, and do they have a flying car that you could borrow?
105. At random moments, pick up a wand like object and run around a room, screaming deadly curses and disturbing jinxes. Then collapse, act faint and say that you must be immediately to St. Mungos for you had been placed under the Imperius curse. When not taken, repeat the process.
106. While playing chess with them, stare at your pieces and give them verbal commands.
107. Throw the chessboard across the room when the pieces don’t move.
108. Invite them to play “find the Horcrux” with you.
109. Tell them you’re wearing an invisibility cloak, then hide.
110. Say “Knock knock.” When the person says “Who’s there?”, say “You Know.” When they say “You Know Who?”, roll on the floor laughing. When they say they don’t get it, become very offended and refuse to explain.
111. Wear mismatched clothes and if someone asks you why say it’s because you can never keep up with the muggle fashions.
112. Send out birthday party invitations for a Harry Potter character. Be sure to call everyone who doesn’t respond and ask them if they’re coming.
113. On the first day of school, ask all of your teachers if “Hogwarts, a History” will be required reading.
114. In casual conversation, mention things you’ve been taught by Professor Flitwick.
115. Call your local station or cable provider and ask if they will be carrying the Chuddley Cannon games this season.
116. Write all letters to said person on parchment with quills.
117. Whenever they read the newspaper in public, complain loudly about how Scrimegeour is paying them to keep the big stories quiet.
118. Drag them along to the nearest place that has old brick buildings, pull out your pink umbrella, and start tapping the bricks - explain that you’re looking for Diagon Alley.
119. Whenever it’s foggy outside, scream “The Dementors are coming!” and hide for days at a time.
120. Insist the radio is called a Wizarding Wireless Network.
121. When travelling long distances, insist on going by Floo Powder - while grabbing a handful of soil from the nearest flowerpot.
122. Tell them that they’re almost as smart as Grawp.
123. …refuse to tell them who Grawp is.
124. Speak in a loud harsh voice at random moments and make predictions about people. Then, use your normal voice again and pretend that you don’t remember anything.
125. Constantly remind them that you’re Dumbledore’s man/woman through and through.
126. Walk up to random people and ask them if their initials are R.A.B.
127. If they say no, give them a dirty mistrusting look.
128. If they say yes, then tackle them and demand that they hand over the Horcrux.
129. Yell “Crucio” at drivers who cut you off.
130. Call them every night and ask what the Transfiguration homework is.